Well, the Spring 2012 semester has started! Starting a class each semester always provides me with a little anxiety with worries that my memory will not hold up, I won't be able to balance work and school, etc. As the years have gone by I am learning to manage it and not be as stressed as I used to in the first few years of going back to school after the brain surgery.
This semester provides an interesting challenge from the start. My class is Behavior Modification which I am quite excited about for both personal and professional reasons. I think it will help me with my patients on a daily basis at the hospital, and down the road as I pursue the direction of neuro rehab.
The project for the class is to change a personal behavior - whether to decrease or increase. What have I chosen? To increase the use of my exercise bike!!!! This means I have to stop using it as a place to hang my clothes!!! :)
Looking forward to this challenge! I want it to be more than just a project. Praying it will be a long term change of positive direction for me and my health!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Reflection
20 Questions for a New Year’s Eve Reflection
1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
5. Pick three words to describe 2011.
6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).
7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking).
8. What were the best books you read this year?
9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?
20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thanksgiving Season
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am very grateful for how far I have come in my healing journey. My class this semester at Illinois State is going very well right now. I am thankful every day for the ability to go back to school and finish my degree despite the challenges that come with my brain injury.
Also, as an amusement to many of you, I must share something that I am learning to appreciate about my repaired brain. Every season when I get out my Christmas decorations, it is a surprise all over again. The main things like the tree, etc. I can recall......(Ok, my memory isn't THAT bad folks!) :) However, a lot of the decor I have forgotten from the year before. It is like opening a present for the first time - wondering what is in my Christmas box that I forgot. It is great to be re-surprised every year by items I forgot were there.
Many of my memory problems used to frustrate me and cause me much anxiety. I still have those moments, but I am learning to laugh more at what my memory can and cannot recall. It's moments like this that I'm content in this stage of my brain recovery and in this journey called LIFE.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!
Also, as an amusement to many of you, I must share something that I am learning to appreciate about my repaired brain. Every season when I get out my Christmas decorations, it is a surprise all over again. The main things like the tree, etc. I can recall......(Ok, my memory isn't THAT bad folks!) :) However, a lot of the decor I have forgotten from the year before. It is like opening a present for the first time - wondering what is in my Christmas box that I forgot. It is great to be re-surprised every year by items I forgot were there.
Many of my memory problems used to frustrate me and cause me much anxiety. I still have those moments, but I am learning to laugh more at what my memory can and cannot recall. It's moments like this that I'm content in this stage of my brain recovery and in this journey called LIFE.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Happy Anniversary
Happy 7th Anniversary to my repaired brain! Can't believe it has been 7 years. So much has changed. Since I'm currently learning to be positive and not focus on all negatives in my life - we will keep this post cheerful! No talking about the challenges of life with a brain injury.
One of the wonderful changes my new brain has given me is the freedom to drive. On a regular basis I stop to give thanks for how much of a blessing it is to have the ability to drive. Driving is certainly a privilege.
I was just telling some friends the other day that in the last year I think my memory is getting better. OK, I said "better" - not great! ( I feel the need to clarify that otherwise I will get some harassment later for that statement.) ;) For example, recently I noticed that I don't have to rely on my phone all the time like I used to. I can remember meetings/events coming up on my calender. Unlike the few years after the surgery, when if I didn't look at my phone - I would not remember ANYTHING! So that is praise to God for that.
I still give thanks for no major seizures since the brain surgery. I haven't even had an aura in several months which is very exciting for me. So to remain seizure free this long after the surgery is nothing short of a miracle since I used to have seizures every day.
Lastly, in just thinking of the day of the surgery which was 3 months after dad died, it was a year of much change. I again want to thank my family and friends for all they did for me before, during, and after the surgery/recovery. Yes, I still remember the day of the surgery and what went on in the OR - something a Neurodiagnostic tech never forgets! :) It was a long road to recovery and continues to be. Life is a journey of how to manage living with a brain injury. I would not be able to do it without the love, patience, and support I get from all of you!!!
One of the wonderful changes my new brain has given me is the freedom to drive. On a regular basis I stop to give thanks for how much of a blessing it is to have the ability to drive. Driving is certainly a privilege.
I was just telling some friends the other day that in the last year I think my memory is getting better. OK, I said "better" - not great! ( I feel the need to clarify that otherwise I will get some harassment later for that statement.) ;) For example, recently I noticed that I don't have to rely on my phone all the time like I used to. I can remember meetings/events coming up on my calender. Unlike the few years after the surgery, when if I didn't look at my phone - I would not remember ANYTHING! So that is praise to God for that.
I still give thanks for no major seizures since the brain surgery. I haven't even had an aura in several months which is very exciting for me. So to remain seizure free this long after the surgery is nothing short of a miracle since I used to have seizures every day.
Lastly, in just thinking of the day of the surgery which was 3 months after dad died, it was a year of much change. I again want to thank my family and friends for all they did for me before, during, and after the surgery/recovery. Yes, I still remember the day of the surgery and what went on in the OR - something a Neurodiagnostic tech never forgets! :) It was a long road to recovery and continues to be. Life is a journey of how to manage living with a brain injury. I would not be able to do it without the love, patience, and support I get from all of you!!!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My Mom
This post is dedicated to my Mom. From the beginning of my seizures at 4 yrs old, my mom has been through it with me. When I was young, she always knew when I was having a seizure. She could look across a crowded room and tell that I was having a seizure. She always could tell before anyone else. I know she prayed me through many of those times. She was there for me when I couldn't drive as a 16 yr old and when the seizures came back as a young adult. She was there to support me.
Once when I was younger and sitting at the kitchen table, I had a seizure. She patiently waited for the seizure to stop and for me to come out of my confusion. Endless times during a complex partial seizure I would insist that I was fine and not seizing, yet clearly to her and others I was. She was a saint in my book for putting up with me when clearly I had no clue what was going on. What patience!
After the brain surgery she was there to rejoice with me that the seizures were gone. She was the first to notice changes in my personality and the lingering results of the resection. Though I am not around her as much anymore, she is always there to support and pray me through the rough times. She always is quick to recognize the struggles of having a brain injury. She noticed first some of my struggles with depression, and how it has and continues to change me as a person. The thing is that a mom's love never changes - no matter what way the child does. My mom is an inspiration to me of her consistent support and love she has given me both before, during, and now presently after my brain injury. I love you, Ma! Happy Mother's Day!
Once when I was younger and sitting at the kitchen table, I had a seizure. She patiently waited for the seizure to stop and for me to come out of my confusion. Endless times during a complex partial seizure I would insist that I was fine and not seizing, yet clearly to her and others I was. She was a saint in my book for putting up with me when clearly I had no clue what was going on. What patience!
After the brain surgery she was there to rejoice with me that the seizures were gone. She was the first to notice changes in my personality and the lingering results of the resection. Though I am not around her as much anymore, she is always there to support and pray me through the rough times. She always is quick to recognize the struggles of having a brain injury. She noticed first some of my struggles with depression, and how it has and continues to change me as a person. The thing is that a mom's love never changes - no matter what way the child does. My mom is an inspiration to me of her consistent support and love she has given me both before, during, and now presently after my brain injury. I love you, Ma! Happy Mother's Day!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Distractions
Recently I had an experience helping my mom learn the basics of her new computer. For those that know my mom, the thought of this is quite amusing. ;) She tries so hard and I admire her determination in trying to master email and the new computer. It was challenging for both of us, since I was walking her through it....over the phone. After the experience was over, then it caused me to reflect a little...
My issues with distraction and inattention have become more frequent than I realize since the brain surgery. Often ADHD and focus difficulties have a bad reputation in society and even in the world of medicine. The issue has gone from one extreme to the other in frequency of being diagnosed and treated. Over diagnosing and then not treating.....the extremes go back and forth. Somehow I believe that the patients get lost in the midst. I think this has been the case for me until recently.
I think in my case (and in a lot of patients) that attention issues are the last thing to receive attention. For me, it has been an afterthought. Instead of noticing that my attention problems are the likely cause of many other symptoms, we treat it the exact opposite. (I will keep you updated as to how this progresses.) :)
How does this tie in with my mom you ask? She struggles with the basics of a computer. I mean the REAL BASICS! For example, where to type the "www line" as she says. She was having difficulty signing into her email account on her new computer, so I had her describe for me what she was seeing. Instead of automatically noticing what you and I would see, she verbally told me what was getting her attention first. Her descriptions were interesting.
Picture with me the signon screen of a major email sight like yahoo, gmail, hotmail, etc. We think that it is clearly obvious what to do, but not to my mom. She describes for me what she sees on the monitor. "I see a "Web Search" and then a blank white space.", "Well, a blinking red box telling me about a membership for....." , and "I see some buttons that say games, TV, shopping....". So many distractions!!
It was quite awhile before I got her to ignore each of the pop-ups, flashing ads, etc., and to find the two little boxes that said "user name and password" next to them. :) By the time I verbally helped her to carefully type her email address and password clicked "log in", 45 minutes had passed. After it was over, she was worn out, I was happily relieved, and it caused me to reflect on the irony of it.
For someone like myself with a brain injury, distractions are constant. I used to be a very focused and attentive person, but now I am easily sidetracked. I am learning over the years tricks to help with this, but am quickly realizing that it's a constant battle. I am concluding that it will always be a struggle and to try to make the best of it. Something or some task that I used to easily complete now is much more challenging.
Yet really, we all have some "distractions" in life though. What are your distractions? I define a distraction as anything that gets our focus off of our goals in life. For me, I have many things that get my ultimate focus off of God. Brain injury or not, whatever distracts us from fulfilling God's purpose in each of our lives is truly a distraction. One that I will always fight against.
My issues with distraction and inattention have become more frequent than I realize since the brain surgery. Often ADHD and focus difficulties have a bad reputation in society and even in the world of medicine. The issue has gone from one extreme to the other in frequency of being diagnosed and treated. Over diagnosing and then not treating.....the extremes go back and forth. Somehow I believe that the patients get lost in the midst. I think this has been the case for me until recently.
I think in my case (and in a lot of patients) that attention issues are the last thing to receive attention. For me, it has been an afterthought. Instead of noticing that my attention problems are the likely cause of many other symptoms, we treat it the exact opposite. (I will keep you updated as to how this progresses.) :)
How does this tie in with my mom you ask? She struggles with the basics of a computer. I mean the REAL BASICS! For example, where to type the "www line" as she says. She was having difficulty signing into her email account on her new computer, so I had her describe for me what she was seeing. Instead of automatically noticing what you and I would see, she verbally told me what was getting her attention first. Her descriptions were interesting.
Picture with me the signon screen of a major email sight like yahoo, gmail, hotmail, etc. We think that it is clearly obvious what to do, but not to my mom. She describes for me what she sees on the monitor. "I see a "Web Search" and then a blank white space.", "Well, a blinking red box telling me about a membership for....." , and "I see some buttons that say games, TV, shopping....". So many distractions!!
It was quite awhile before I got her to ignore each of the pop-ups, flashing ads, etc., and to find the two little boxes that said "user name and password" next to them. :) By the time I verbally helped her to carefully type her email address and password clicked "log in", 45 minutes had passed. After it was over, she was worn out, I was happily relieved, and it caused me to reflect on the irony of it.
For someone like myself with a brain injury, distractions are constant. I used to be a very focused and attentive person, but now I am easily sidetracked. I am learning over the years tricks to help with this, but am quickly realizing that it's a constant battle. I am concluding that it will always be a struggle and to try to make the best of it. Something or some task that I used to easily complete now is much more challenging.
Yet really, we all have some "distractions" in life though. What are your distractions? I define a distraction as anything that gets our focus off of our goals in life. For me, I have many things that get my ultimate focus off of God. Brain injury or not, whatever distracts us from fulfilling God's purpose in each of our lives is truly a distraction. One that I will always fight against.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Light bulb moment
Occasionally, I have a light bulb moment. Ok, frequently. Recently I noticed how much I was spending at the grocery store for one person and came to the conclusion that something needed to change. My family and some friends have been wanting me to become a part of a meal program to help me lose weight. I'm anti-diet, so that suggestion went nowhere. Well, I now see it as a positive decision, because I finally saw it from a brain injury perspective. Anything that helps my brain gets a thumbs up from me.
Having my meals ready to eat is pricey but worth the cost. With my brain injury it has been difficult to plan and cook meals. What used to take me no effort at all before the brain surgery is now much more time and mental consuming. Buying, planning, cooking, and eating is a process I used to take for granted. It was like riding a bike. Since the brain injury my appetite has changed making it more frustrating to decide what to eat. Often this would result in making bad choices. My eating habits have gone from bad to worse. Cooking and preparing and most importantly the motivation to make that happen is a lot more work. I look at this new meal plan as a step in the right direction to bring consistency in my often scattered and disorganized world. I might lose weight in the process. Happy days!
Having my meals ready to eat is pricey but worth the cost. With my brain injury it has been difficult to plan and cook meals. What used to take me no effort at all before the brain surgery is now much more time and mental consuming. Buying, planning, cooking, and eating is a process I used to take for granted. It was like riding a bike. Since the brain injury my appetite has changed making it more frustrating to decide what to eat. Often this would result in making bad choices. My eating habits have gone from bad to worse. Cooking and preparing and most importantly the motivation to make that happen is a lot more work. I look at this new meal plan as a step in the right direction to bring consistency in my often scattered and disorganized world. I might lose weight in the process. Happy days!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
My Uncle Carl
There are some people in life that just radiate positivity. One of those people for me is my Uncle Carl. Unfortunately for me, I don't see him very often but when I do then I am guaranteed affirmation about my brain. What is great about it is that he does it naturally. It comes from his heart. Here's the scenario....
When I see him at a family gathering he always meets you with a smile or a hug. He is always positive. My Uncle Carl has his good share of health problems, but never talks about them and acts like he is in tip top shape. :) The first thing out of his mouth is asking about how YOU are. He is always thinking of others.
What I love about my Uncle Carl is that every time I see him and when all others are embarking on only the regular salutations, he is keeping life real. He says, "You know, Emy, every time I see you and think of your brain surgery and recovery, I can't help but thank God. You are an amazing miracle!"
That's my Uncle Carl. I love him tons! Whenever I get discouraged about something with my brain health, I think of him. We all need cheerleaders. We all are called to be a cheerleader to someone else. What kind of cheerleader am I being to the people in my life? What about you?
When I see him at a family gathering he always meets you with a smile or a hug. He is always positive. My Uncle Carl has his good share of health problems, but never talks about them and acts like he is in tip top shape. :) The first thing out of his mouth is asking about how YOU are. He is always thinking of others.
What I love about my Uncle Carl is that every time I see him and when all others are embarking on only the regular salutations, he is keeping life real. He says, "You know, Emy, every time I see you and think of your brain surgery and recovery, I can't help but thank God. You are an amazing miracle!"
That's my Uncle Carl. I love him tons! Whenever I get discouraged about something with my brain health, I think of him. We all need cheerleaders. We all are called to be a cheerleader to someone else. What kind of cheerleader am I being to the people in my life? What about you?
Friday, March 12, 2010
Auras!!
I'm so glad yesterday is over. It was a bad seizure day. I had lots of auras. It reminded me of the old days of having seizures every day. I was very lethargic all day from them. Ok, more than my normal. :) HA There was no cause for them yesterday like usual when I have forgotten my meds. I think the new meds just aren't working. This leads me to my latest soap box.
My "latest" idea -which is a bad one I will admit - is to get rid of all my meds and start all over. I think they are either not effective, causing too many side effects, or having a negative impact on the other meds. Frustrating. I can't help but want to just throw them all out and start over.
I know it is a bad idea. The neuro tech in me says it is a ridiculous theory, but it is what the patient in me really wants to do. When I feel like I did yesterday yet still take all the meds I do, it is frustrating. I have to force myself to take my meds right now. Fortunately, I keep taking them because I despise seizures that much.
I don't care how mild the auras are, I will never get used to them. I hate them. They give me a horribly sick feeling in my stomach that I recognize immediately. I experience amazing relief when it goes away. I praise God that since the brain surgery it has never progressed into a full blown seizure. For this I will forever be grateful to my surgeons and doctors for giving my life back to me. Lastly, to my Lord Jesus and His protective shield over me during the many seizures that I have had in my lifetime. God's protection is amazing!
My "latest" idea -which is a bad one I will admit - is to get rid of all my meds and start all over. I think they are either not effective, causing too many side effects, or having a negative impact on the other meds. Frustrating. I can't help but want to just throw them all out and start over.
I know it is a bad idea. The neuro tech in me says it is a ridiculous theory, but it is what the patient in me really wants to do. When I feel like I did yesterday yet still take all the meds I do, it is frustrating. I have to force myself to take my meds right now. Fortunately, I keep taking them because I despise seizures that much.
I don't care how mild the auras are, I will never get used to them. I hate them. They give me a horribly sick feeling in my stomach that I recognize immediately. I experience amazing relief when it goes away. I praise God that since the brain surgery it has never progressed into a full blown seizure. For this I will forever be grateful to my surgeons and doctors for giving my life back to me. Lastly, to my Lord Jesus and His protective shield over me during the many seizures that I have had in my lifetime. God's protection is amazing!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Driving update
I'm just updating everyone that the neurologist released me to drive again. :) Happy Days! Thanks to everyone who helped me get to and from work every day. I had some great conversations with many of you and this was a blessing to me! This brief loss of my license was exactly what I needed. I think it was God's way of giving me a reality check about my continual striving for my own independence. I love to think that I don't need anyone and can do everything on my own, but He uses events like this in life to remind me that I really do need others! I am learning the healthy balance between giving and receiving from others and how BOTH are necessary in order to experience relational wholeness. This is a difficult lesson to learn for a lot of folks like myself that have had brain trauma and often have our independence taken from us without warning.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Reality of not driving
Well, reality has hit. I'm always amazed at how life can change overnight or in an instant. The short and sweet of it all is that my epileptiologist doesn't want me driving for the next couple of months. First time that I'm not able to drive since the brain surgery. Weird.
People are telling me that I am quite calm and handling it amazingly well. I attribute it to the fact that I think I have been in disbelief. Of course, I believe the physician is overreacting and the neurodiagnostic tech in me has all kinds of "opinions". None of them count when you are the patient and not the tech. I never realized until the last few years how difficult it is to just be the patient. Experiencing life just like any other patient does with the emotions, questions, and concerns; but not over analyzing the situation, self-diagnose, or essentially play the "Doctor" role. Easier said than done, yet highly valuable in order to be able to cope and grow from whatever comes my way.
I think the brain injury experience is teaching me to relax more and face only what is right in front of me. It is not a crisis that I can't drive for awhile. I haven't fallen off the path in the journey, but the road just took a sharp, unexpected curve. A curve that apparently has something to teach me that I didn't learn the other past times that I couldn't drive. I wait expectantly to see what I am supposed to be learning from this.
I type this now as if to say that no driving is going to be a piece of cake, but when I am craving a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks it might just be a different story. :)
People are telling me that I am quite calm and handling it amazingly well. I attribute it to the fact that I think I have been in disbelief. Of course, I believe the physician is overreacting and the neurodiagnostic tech in me has all kinds of "opinions". None of them count when you are the patient and not the tech. I never realized until the last few years how difficult it is to just be the patient. Experiencing life just like any other patient does with the emotions, questions, and concerns; but not over analyzing the situation, self-diagnose, or essentially play the "Doctor" role. Easier said than done, yet highly valuable in order to be able to cope and grow from whatever comes my way.
I think the brain injury experience is teaching me to relax more and face only what is right in front of me. It is not a crisis that I can't drive for awhile. I haven't fallen off the path in the journey, but the road just took a sharp, unexpected curve. A curve that apparently has something to teach me that I didn't learn the other past times that I couldn't drive. I wait expectantly to see what I am supposed to be learning from this.
I type this now as if to say that no driving is going to be a piece of cake, but when I am craving a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks it might just be a different story. :)
Monday, September 28, 2009
A new realization
I came to a new awareness recently while having dinner with some friends from college. Why I never realized this before is surprising. My memory problems have a bigger impact on my friends, family, and acquaintances than on me.
That night at dinner with my college roommates, I saw how still amazed people are when I struggle to remember simple things. I usually am very lighthearted when it comes to my memory. I think over the years I've realized that I need to laugh about it, otherwise I would have screamed with frustration all the time.
I have gone my whole life with my memory getting gradually worse. This was to my advantage because the other side was naturally learning to take over. This was good since by the time of the surgery, my hippocampus was shriveled up like a prune. It wasn't doing me much good so removing it wasn't much of a loss. I think I am so used to the deficits that coping and making adjustments is a natural part of functioning for me.
As we laughed because I realized they had told me the same story on several occasions, I thought how everything is either new or vaguely familiar to me. My friends and family are so patient with telling me things multiple times. I wondered that night how much more they adapt for me in this area than what I realized. It made me pause and realize that my memory deficits impact them way more than me. I'm so used to it, but they are still caught off guard by it on occasion. It makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my family, friends, and colleagues. I came to a new awareness that night of the many "silent" sacrifices that they have given to me and continue to do so.
That night at dinner with my college roommates, I saw how still amazed people are when I struggle to remember simple things. I usually am very lighthearted when it comes to my memory. I think over the years I've realized that I need to laugh about it, otherwise I would have screamed with frustration all the time.
I have gone my whole life with my memory getting gradually worse. This was to my advantage because the other side was naturally learning to take over. This was good since by the time of the surgery, my hippocampus was shriveled up like a prune. It wasn't doing me much good so removing it wasn't much of a loss. I think I am so used to the deficits that coping and making adjustments is a natural part of functioning for me.
As we laughed because I realized they had told me the same story on several occasions, I thought how everything is either new or vaguely familiar to me. My friends and family are so patient with telling me things multiple times. I wondered that night how much more they adapt for me in this area than what I realized. It made me pause and realize that my memory deficits impact them way more than me. I'm so used to it, but they are still caught off guard by it on occasion. It makes me even more grateful and appreciative for my family, friends, and colleagues. I came to a new awareness that night of the many "silent" sacrifices that they have given to me and continue to do so.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Courageous spirit
The semester has started again! I wrote a paper for an assignment last week, and I just realized how the theme of the paper applies to my blog. It was a personal essay written about a characteristic you have and how it applies to your future career.
As I felt the razor on my head and the weight of my hair slipping away, I was filled with anxious anticipation of what was to come. As I faced the next several hours of brain surgery, my courageous spirit was taking root and growing. This courage, which enabled me to arrive at this moment, would continue to serve me on my life’s journey.
Why would courage be one of my greatest personal strengths? It takes courage to face the unknown, as well as to face the “what-ifs.” What if something went wrong during the surgery? What if I still had seizures when it was all over? What if they resected too much or too little of my brain tissue? Courage would be needed to face the unknown, daily battle of a brain injury, and to believe that I made the right decision in the long run.
For unknown reasons, I began having seizures when I was four years old. While growing up I would have an occasional seizure. As tests and equipment advanced technologically over the years, doctors discovered a cyst in my left temporal lobe; but medicine evolved as well, and I was able to live a fairly healthy childhood. I credit my parents for much of this. They modeled courage for me, teaching me that I was not my epilepsy, only that it was a small portion of my larger world. Seizures didn’t control who I was or my accomplishments in life, they taught me.
As I grew older and out of adolescence, the seizures worsened. By my mid-twenties, I was having seizures every day. On multiple seizure medications, I felt like a walking zombie. My memory and cognitive skills worsened and left much to be desired. Often, people could not tell I was having a seizure. I would come out of one and find myself in a different room and wonder how I got there. Other times, I would alert from a seizure to find strangers staring at me. I soon learned not to worry what others thought of me. When I could no longer drive after losing my license, I had to have the courage to ask others for assistance. I learned that others wanted to help if I would just let them.
Since I also work in the field of neurology, I see a lot of patients in my situation, but never did I imagine being where I was at that point. When a person gets to a point of complete desperation and feeling no other solutions, this is when courage kicks in. It was then that I realized that surgery was my only hope for any chance of a decent quality of life.
I hear a grinding noise which brings me out of my flashback of my journey. I go in and out of awareness and the noise continues. It sounds like a drill. Oh, yes, it is and I can feel the pressure now. Talk about a major headache! After some time, the anesthesiologist asks me how I’m doing. I remember telling him that I was good, but the drilling was becoming a little annoying. I heard some people laugh. As I became more alert, I remember thinking how cool it was to be alert during my own brain surgery!
My courage is not located in my life-long battle of seizures, or in the brain surgery itself; but rather in facing the months and years which have followed the surgery. I recovered very quickly from the operation and was back to work in about eight weeks. But adjusting to the changes of having a brain injury has required me to call upon my reserves of courage. Living without most of my left temporal lobe has caused a battle with depression, memory problems, and changes in my executive functions.
It was in these challenges that I developed more of a passion for the psychological component of the brain. I’ve spent so many years focusing on the medical/neurophysiology aspect of the brain that I never stopped to consider the portion that the psychological role plays. It was then I decided to pursue psychology in light of my experience in neurology. Facing the challenges against me head on instead of running from them, I decided to finish my undergraduate degree. I realized that you only have one chance at life. While my repaired brain is still working, I’m going to use what is left of it!
As I felt the razor on my head and the weight of my hair slipping away, I was filled with anxious anticipation of what was to come. As I faced the next several hours of brain surgery, my courageous spirit was taking root and growing. This courage, which enabled me to arrive at this moment, would continue to serve me on my life’s journey.
Why would courage be one of my greatest personal strengths? It takes courage to face the unknown, as well as to face the “what-ifs.” What if something went wrong during the surgery? What if I still had seizures when it was all over? What if they resected too much or too little of my brain tissue? Courage would be needed to face the unknown, daily battle of a brain injury, and to believe that I made the right decision in the long run.
For unknown reasons, I began having seizures when I was four years old. While growing up I would have an occasional seizure. As tests and equipment advanced technologically over the years, doctors discovered a cyst in my left temporal lobe; but medicine evolved as well, and I was able to live a fairly healthy childhood. I credit my parents for much of this. They modeled courage for me, teaching me that I was not my epilepsy, only that it was a small portion of my larger world. Seizures didn’t control who I was or my accomplishments in life, they taught me.
As I grew older and out of adolescence, the seizures worsened. By my mid-twenties, I was having seizures every day. On multiple seizure medications, I felt like a walking zombie. My memory and cognitive skills worsened and left much to be desired. Often, people could not tell I was having a seizure. I would come out of one and find myself in a different room and wonder how I got there. Other times, I would alert from a seizure to find strangers staring at me. I soon learned not to worry what others thought of me. When I could no longer drive after losing my license, I had to have the courage to ask others for assistance. I learned that others wanted to help if I would just let them.
Since I also work in the field of neurology, I see a lot of patients in my situation, but never did I imagine being where I was at that point. When a person gets to a point of complete desperation and feeling no other solutions, this is when courage kicks in. It was then that I realized that surgery was my only hope for any chance of a decent quality of life.
I hear a grinding noise which brings me out of my flashback of my journey. I go in and out of awareness and the noise continues. It sounds like a drill. Oh, yes, it is and I can feel the pressure now. Talk about a major headache! After some time, the anesthesiologist asks me how I’m doing. I remember telling him that I was good, but the drilling was becoming a little annoying. I heard some people laugh. As I became more alert, I remember thinking how cool it was to be alert during my own brain surgery!
My courage is not located in my life-long battle of seizures, or in the brain surgery itself; but rather in facing the months and years which have followed the surgery. I recovered very quickly from the operation and was back to work in about eight weeks. But adjusting to the changes of having a brain injury has required me to call upon my reserves of courage. Living without most of my left temporal lobe has caused a battle with depression, memory problems, and changes in my executive functions.
It was in these challenges that I developed more of a passion for the psychological component of the brain. I’ve spent so many years focusing on the medical/neurophysiology aspect of the brain that I never stopped to consider the portion that the psychological role plays. It was then I decided to pursue psychology in light of my experience in neurology. Facing the challenges against me head on instead of running from them, I decided to finish my undergraduate degree. I realized that you only have one chance at life. While my repaired brain is still working, I’m going to use what is left of it!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Happy Anniversary??
Wow! Five years ago today was my brain surgery. Not sure if that means Happy Anniversary or Happy Birthday. :) It could be a birthday since my brain was repaired and given new life. Anniversary seems more fitting, because I could say I'm married to this new brain. Whether I like it or not,it's attached to my head! This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "for better or for worse"! :) One thing can be said, I will never regret having the surgery done.
I remember more about the day than I thought I would. I was awake for most of the surgery. The worst was the drilling that went on for hours. It was a headache in the making. :) My favorite part of the surgery was when they caused me to have a focal motor seizure. As a Neurodiagnostic Tech by trade, I found this absolutely fascinating. My seizures were always more sensory, and so having a focal motor sz in my face was quite an educational experience. (Sorry, I'm a little sick.) :)
My family would be able to recall more things about the day. Of course, they have a different opinion on how it went. It was an emotional day for all of them. I realized years later how hard it was for some of them. That day was the first time most of my family had been in a hospital ICU unit since dad had passed away 3 months before. I realized that no amount of preparing them for what they would see when I came out of surgery would be enough. I love my family and friends for walking through it with me. I will be forever grateful.
How have the last five years been? A journey. No other word to describe it. I stand in awe to this day that I haven't had any major seizures. An amazing miracle! :) Yet, I'm recognizing that my decision to have the surgery would come with many consequences. Some of those consequences I would never had been prepared for. I never understood what my traumatic brain injury patients go through, until I walked in their shoes. What an eye-opening journey it has been.
This is what you call a new but very permanent relationship. It has been a fast five years so I still consider it "new", especially when it doesn't "behave" the way I want. :) It's my new brain no matter if I like it or not. I'm learning to make the best of it, and to cheer all the victories along the way.
I remember more about the day than I thought I would. I was awake for most of the surgery. The worst was the drilling that went on for hours. It was a headache in the making. :) My favorite part of the surgery was when they caused me to have a focal motor seizure. As a Neurodiagnostic Tech by trade, I found this absolutely fascinating. My seizures were always more sensory, and so having a focal motor sz in my face was quite an educational experience. (Sorry, I'm a little sick.) :)
My family would be able to recall more things about the day. Of course, they have a different opinion on how it went. It was an emotional day for all of them. I realized years later how hard it was for some of them. That day was the first time most of my family had been in a hospital ICU unit since dad had passed away 3 months before. I realized that no amount of preparing them for what they would see when I came out of surgery would be enough. I love my family and friends for walking through it with me. I will be forever grateful.
How have the last five years been? A journey. No other word to describe it. I stand in awe to this day that I haven't had any major seizures. An amazing miracle! :) Yet, I'm recognizing that my decision to have the surgery would come with many consequences. Some of those consequences I would never had been prepared for. I never understood what my traumatic brain injury patients go through, until I walked in their shoes. What an eye-opening journey it has been.
This is what you call a new but very permanent relationship. It has been a fast five years so I still consider it "new", especially when it doesn't "behave" the way I want. :) It's my new brain no matter if I like it or not. I'm learning to make the best of it, and to cheer all the victories along the way.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Some Joys from the last five years....
Some time ago I started to make a list of the positive side to having memory problems. I'm finally starting to realize that it is not going to go away and reality tells me it will only get worse the older I get. Having said that, I might as well start making the best of what little memory I still have! So I'm posting this in honor of the upcoming anniversary of my brain surgery on June 28, 2004. What a wild ride it has been!
The Joys of having a Bad Memory
May 2009 (Left partial temporal lobectomy- June 2004)
You can read the same book multiple times and never remember it.
You could potentially save a lot of money, because you don’t recognize clothes from your closet.
It seems that you remember things at exactly the moment you need to remember them……well, then again, sometimes not.
People can tell you confidential things because you will forget it soon anyway.
You can’t hold a grudge no matter how hard you try.
You can watch a movie multiple times for the first time!
It’s kind of amusing to watch the funny looks you get when repeating under your breath the alphabet in an effort to recall a person’s name.
At least I really do have a GOOD excuse for my bad memory!
I’m “fun” to play a new card game with because you have to keep repeating the rules to me over and over again all night. By the next day, I have forgotten what game we played.
You can go into a new adventure in life with no prejudices, because you have already forgotten those things that would have falsely or negatively influenced you.
You can listen to a person tell you the same story on multiple occasions and it doesn’t bother you.
Déjà vu soon becomes second nature to you.
You can reserve the right to keep this list open for further additions, because you can always use the excuse that you forgot to add just one last one...........
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